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Relationships are fucking hard.

Sometimes we break our own hearts with the expectations we have for others. Setting the bar so high they won't reach it then being hurt by their lack of ability to fit in a pair of shoes that was the wrong size. You set them and yourself up for failure.

It's hard to not have expectations though. Truly easier said than done.

Dating is weird because you make connections with people and it's hard to draw a fine line between where the give and take is. You have to always be putting yourself first still. Is this person fulfilling your needs? You're interviewing them to be a part of your life. But it gets blurred the further in you fall. It's hard to figure out where you're making excuses for their actions and where you aren't.

I struggle with breaking connections with people I care about. I don't like to lose people that are important to me. I always do everything in my power to fix what I can but sometimes the case it just too far gone.

Mourning the end of a relationship is hard. You're grieving a future that you'll never have. The plans you made suddenly fall apart. This idea of a life with this person has just vanished. The excitement you once had turns into a pit in the center of your stomach. Grieving all the things that could have been but never will be.

But you just end up the villain in someone else's story no matter how hard you try to be the opposite. You won't always see eye to eye. Your best intentions can be mistaken for Mal-intent. It's excruciating wanting to fix something that no one else does.

Learning swiftly that closure is not a real thing either. I don't particularly understand how you can just go from deeply caring about someone to being cold the next minute. I always hope the best for people but my nature allows me to understand why people do things. Too many psychology classes have made me rationalize every action people have.

But at the same time I am a big believer in things falling apart to come together.

So looking on the positive sides of a hurtful situation?

I didn't think I'd ever really let anyone in again. I didn't think I had the capability to be vulnerable. I learned to speak my truth. I continued to speak my truth and I didn't allow myself to get walked over as I have in the past.

Growth doesn't always have to be these monumental things and I'm still growing despite this not working out how I wanted. I grew a lot. I'm learning to sit with my feelings instead of repressing them. I'm not making myself cold again. I'm feeling everything. And with every next moment? I'm getting closer to what is going to make me the happiest because I refuse to settle for anything less.

Funny what loving yourself will push you to do.