A random musing for cyber space.

It's always interesting having to explain to someone else that they are a source of trauma or a trigger in your life. It's honestly super difficult especially when they don't understand or didn't mean to. It's a guilt that comes over them. But we hurt people sometimes. It's not always intentional. So many of us feel so broken and attack others or just simply can't understand the pain that makes them tick.

It's easier to say well "what if you had done this." Well hang tight!! Let me just build a time machine and go back in time and tell myself what I know now. I still don't think it would make a difference. I wouldn't be the same person back then. I could try to explain why an alternate path was right to myself but it really wouldn't matter, I wouldn't be able to understand it.

More so? If all those situations hadn't played out how they did? If I hadn't made the mistakes I had or been hurt how I have, I wouldn't know the things I do now. I wouldn't be the person I am today without those lessons. I wouldn't take any of it back. But it's not easy to feel misunderstood constantly or to have people question you in the first place.

I'm literally going through an identity crisis right now. I keep joking about it but seriously...like I am going through an identity crisis to the extreme. It's a ton of therapy, reading and meditating. It's not a bad thing in the slightest but here I am at 25 looking at myself going? Who I am? Because so much of my life I got pushed around or made myself small for other people or swayed in directions I never wanted to go that I never really figured it out. I was unhappy for a long time. I'm not anymore. On the contrary, I believe I love myself more than I ever have in my life because otherwise I wouldn't be pushing myself on this journey. I'm confident now but I still don't know who I am.

That's why I'm doing the work. It's a really ugly scary process. I've touched on it but I'm in the process of doing EMDR trauma therapy designed for those with PTSD. I'll be doing a whole post in this once I'm done with it in a month or so about what I experienced. But there's a lot of fear, anger and sadness just bottled up inside and it comes out at inappropriate times. Things from growing up, family, relationships. This feeling of being constantly alone. These feelings of unworthiness. They all came from somewhere. But knowing why I do now...Why do I continue to put myself in situations and relationships that don't serve me? This unresolved trauma is met with unhealthy coping mechanisms and stupid decisions and reactions. I spent a lifetime repressing the fact that I had emotions and feelings only to realize that now I can't control them properly or that they manifest in unhealthy ways.

I've had enough of it.

I don't want the imposter syndrome. I don't want the anxiety. I don't want to feel like I don't belong inside my own head. I don't want to feel like I can't control myself. I don't want to feel like I don't know myself.

I look at myself, try to label myself and look at all these boxes and contradictions about myself. I could use words like workaholic, student, entrepreneur, woman, model, creative, musician, artist, event producer, challenger, victim, survivor, INTJ, amongst a million things....but is that who I am? Are these things I am? What about things I like to do? I love to go outside. I love to play music. Am I these things? Are they my identity? What really makes up someones identity? Is it the trauma in my head or what's in my heart? What if I change my mind frequently? Does that make my identity that I'm a fickle? If I'm indecisive what does that mean about me? How does this all play into the big picture?

It's a constant stream of thoughts and fears pummeling their way through my head. It's easy to feel misunderstood by other people. You can somewhat brush it off. That's why I started this in the first place. But it's hard when you misunderstand yourself to some degree.

I look in the mirror and try to make sense of this strange person I am now. There's a lot of pain and heart break behind my eyes. A lifetime of trauma. But there is also a lot of love. There is a curiosity. There is this desire to know and be and build. Am I a builder? Am I lover? What is my purpose? I guess the only way I'll know is when my purpose becomes revealed to me. I don't really understand it but I'm trying. I think I'll always be trying because I'll always be evolving and changing.

The only way to do that is to just keep working. Striving. Bettering myself. I'm not letting myself get away with it anymore. I did that for too long.

I have let other people and myself force me to dim my light, make me like I'm not enough or push me into places I don't want to be for TOO DAMN LONG. I've taken every insult in the book from being told I'm too much, too weird, normal, not special, unhinged, crazy. I'm always SOMETHING to SOMEONE. And you know what? I do not give a fucking damn anymore. I started reclaiming my life a year and a half ago but I've almost just fallen back into a pattern I'm unhappy with again. I made huge strides and then I got stagnant.

But now I'm putting my foot down...It's time to make a huge change.

I am done doing things that don't serve me. Conversing with people who don't serve me. I am done putting myself in situations that don't serve me. I am done not serving myself every last bit of what I deserve.

I am no longer doing things that don't align with who I want to be in my future. I am silencing that internalized voice from the years of mistreatment. I've heard enough. I'm not longer going to let it impact my relationship with myself. It's time to heal. Thoroughly.

I'm excited to level up my journey.

I'm speaking it into existence.

Starting off with a 30 day jumpstart for myself to see how far I can mentally and physically push and excel. Going into this new form of therapy is exciting. I've heard great things about the results and its really going to force me to change my current habits. But I'm ready to turn it into lifelong habits and ready to see who I can become.

I know I'm going to make myself proud. I'll spend the rest of my life getting to know myself now I'm just being a lot kinder to myself in the process too.

I deserve it.