Alone.

I've recently started seeing a therapist again. Besides feeling like I'm constantly juggling, spinning a plate on my nose while wearing rollerblades...There's a lot going on that I just realized I haven't been dealing with head on. I've been running. A lot of unresolved shit I thought I'd dealt with that has been rearing its ugly head again.

I had a full crisis with that earlier today before I had therapy. I had to write a bio for work about myself and everything I wrote was something I am in relation to someone else or something else. It was my jobs, my hobbies, my businesses, things I do...not things I am. The root of who I am. I am still figuring who I am when you strip away all the things on the outside. Who I am when I'm most vulnerable because truthfully? I've repressed that part of me for a long time because I'm scared. Not of it...but that people won't like who that person is...or that I won't?

I've spent my whole life trying to figure myself out. I never had a place I fit in. Truthfully a lot of times...I still feel like that. I've popped around friend groups, kept people at arms distance, and learned to fake vulnerability. I've shed my skin so many times. Lost myself, found myself, lost it again. There have been parts of me I'm realizing I'm mourning the loss of and parts of me I'm grateful to be rid of. It's a cycle. You can either get better with each loss and gain of self or you can not.

I want to be better.

Lately though, so much unresolved trauma has been popping up. I was confused at first because I LOVE the person I'm becoming. I think she's amazing and this is the most me I've ever felt in my life. I'm finally pulling in aspects from different parts of my life and learning balance. But then why am I not able to shake the intrusive thoughts? The pain? The anxiety?

Well, you can't hide from a therapist. Truly. She rocked my shit today. She had this inkling that my core belief of myself is that I'm alone. And when I tell you my jaw dropped to the ground and suddenly everything about myself made sense? It was a feeling of horror and relief. I wish I could explain it. I felt seen and I felt hurt.

Most of my life I have felt alone. Alienated. Outcast. Different. Isolated. I've always craved connection but all I've always had was myself though.

I've had parents and friends but I've never really truly let anyone all the way in...ever. I've always peeled myself off the ground myself. I taught myself to ride a bike. I didn't think I'd make it another day and I still did it. I got myself through school. I got myself to where I am today. This is not to discount the countless people who have supported me along the way. But fundamentally? People have come and gone so frequently from my life either as a choice or not that I stopped trying to let people in for a long time. I've always internalized everything I can. I'll meet people at the front door but they're not getting in the house. I'll greet you with a smile and a drink and tell you what you want to hear. I'll give them enough to keep them satisfied and coming back but showing someone else the mess inside my head? Terrifying.

It started when I was a kid being bullied and then that never stopped the older I got. Not until I was in college anyways and then I turned into someone I don't even recognize for awhile there. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of that person. Or really any of those people because none of them were me. Who I really am.

Getting pushed around most of my life made me really hard. The lack of support from family? Hard but bearable. Losing multiple friends? Horrible. The people I thought were my friends stabbing me in the back? Just another needle in the haystack. The abuse from my ex? That almost shattered me. The assault? That nearly killed me. . .But through it all, no matter how dark the times got...I had myself.

I stopped trying to let people in. I stopped wanting to let people in. I have a big heart with a lot of love to give. But I shut off. People haven't been kind to me most of my life and it made me internalize not being kind to myself.

I struggle in relationships because I don't let people in so dating is always surface level and boring for me. It's uninteresting. I hate superficial anything. Until I find someone I do feel strongly about then its game over. Until recently that is...because old trauma somehow found its way into a new relationship ultimately causing me to mentally unravel and be forced to deal with this shit head on. Enough was enough. Little triggers started popping up for me every so often until it turned into nightmares and anxiety stemming from my soul. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. It was all things I'd repressed coming back out to haunt me. The pain felt just as real as the first time. But I am a firm believer in my trauma and my triggers not affecting my friends or the people I'm with. It's not fair to them and it's not healthy. I did allow this to affect people I care about and that's not something I love. I reverted back to a person I worked really hard to get away from. But hey, everything happens for a reason. It was the extra push I needed to face my demons head on. Funny how loss has a way of doing that.

We begin at the end.

None of this is me trying to feel sorry for myself. I've lived through every adversity and I've come out stronger each time. I'm just processing it in the best way I know how...In a blog post for the world to see. Hoping to connect with someone who gets it?

I'm just trying to figure myself out and how to work through this negative core value of feeling alone. I'm surrounded by an amazing support system and friends who will run to my aid at all hours of the day. I'm more than blessed for them. But at the root of it all there is still that voice in my head saying you don't belong here. That this isn't the life for you. That you aren't worthy of these things. That you're incapable of being loved. That you're incapable of making a connection. That no one wants you. Do you even want you? That you aren't going anywhere in life.

That voice has been there a long time.

I'm ready to make it go away now.

I like who I am and most importantly I love who I'm becoming.

Here's to losing yourself and finding yourself all over again.

May the journey be beautiful and lots of love be found.