Change is the law of life.

Someone asked me not too long ago if I believed people could change. That's something that I've been thinking about a lot. I didn't really have an answer at the time but I think I've come up with one now.

I honestly don't even know where to start this one. I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently about my journey up until this point and where I'm going after. My friends like to joke that I've lived 9 lives, and its not an understatement. I feel that way a lot of the time. In my short 25 years on earth I've dealt with a lot of loss, pain and adversity. I was a person I didn't like for a long period of time and I've definitely taken a lot of L's.

It was really easy to blame everything except myself. Do I blame it on the depression? The anxiety? No, it was the imposter syndrome or ADD this time. I was just reacting to the situation. It was always an excuse and it hardened me and enabled me to not ever really deal with the shit going on in my head.

There was a point in time I was partying too hard, too often. Dating too much. Not taking care of myself in the slightest. I was numbing the pain in anyway I could. Hot mess doesn't even begin to cover it. I was on anxiety, depression, ADD meds. You name it. Shit, I could barely look in the mirror at that point in time. I hated myself. There was a long period of time I thought it was probably better if I wasn't even alive. It didn't help that toxic relationship after toxic relationship took ahold of me. Abuse in relationships is far too common and can strip a person of everything that makes them themselves. We accept the love we think we deserve. I didn't have expectations for myself and it showed. Not sure if I'll ever really dive into that topic on here but maybe one day if I'm ready. But if I'm being honest, even before I was using boys and partying to escape, I still wasn't happy. I wasn't a good friend. I wasn't a good girlfriend. I wasn't anything except sad.

I was lost for so long I didn't know which way was up or down. Everything was constantly upside down. What changed? Was it that I had finally hit rock bottom? And let me tell you I probably hit "rock bottom" more times than I care to admit. Appearances aren't everything. I looked like I was having the time of my life. I was doing well in school. I was in great shape. I had a lot of friends. I had a "lifestyle" people envied. Most people outside of my close circle hardly know what I've gone through and admittedly I'm very guarded about opening up about it. It's something I'm slowly trying to work on. I almost talk about things in the past tense like I wasn't the one who lived them. I think that compartmentalization really helps me not be enveloped by anxiety and fear. I'm not quick to let people in, or ever. It's hard for me.

It all stems from the fact that I never wanted to be labeled as damaged goods. It scares me. The imposter syndrome lends me to believe that I'm constantly not working hard enough or good enough at what I'm doing. It was always, how can I be doing more or you're not good enough. It's something I constantly struggle to get past but what I would say I owe a lot of my accomplishments too as well. A double edged sword. But the idea that anyone else would take pity on me? It made me internalize a lot of the pain causing me a lot more trauma than me not dealing with it head on. Let me tell you, that trauma manifested its self in ways that I'm still dealing with repercussions of. It's not just your brain that goes through trauma, it's your body too. I'm not great at asking for help. And admittedly the one time I did open up to a S.O. I was told my "problems weren't worth my value." That one stung.

I look at myself today and when I look in the mirror, I feel content. I'm on no medication (yes seriously). My anxiety is under control majority of the time. I know how to deal with my depression and trauma head on. I have amazing friendships that I cherish. A career I'm building for myself that I LOVE! A better relationship with my family. I have my music and hobbies that I adore.

I have a fire for life and myself now. I have ambition. I want it all. I want to take this world and color outside the lines. I want to pave my own path and to experience everything. I feel so passionately alive that sometimes I have to pinch myself. It's a stark difference from who I was before. It's genuine love.

So really, what changed?

It took me a long time to figure out what happy was for me. I think I'm constantly figuring it out on a daily basis. I don't ever let my actions go unnoticed. I analyze everything, sometimes that turns into me being a control freak on a bad day but its a habit I'm trying to break. I have a lot to still work on, but I wouldn't be human if I didn't. We all experience the full spectrum. There will always be more growth to be done. But I had to accept that honesty with myself is the most important currency there is. Why am I feeling this way? 95% of the time I can find a root cause and 99% of the time its because I'm not being honest with myself.

It's about being intentional. The process of leaving behind who I was to become this person I am today was UGLY. It was hard. It was horrible. I felt isolated, alone, more depressed than before. I spent more days peeling myself off the floor and in anxiety puddles than I had good ones. I failed a lot. I had to restart a lot.

The road to self discovery for me started from understanding myself to a deeper level. Taking personality tests and enneagrams. I'm a Virgo, ENTJ, Introvert and a Challenger. All very dominating personalities. I'm an only child and extremely independent so all of that pretty much made sense. When that still didn't bring me answers, I looked to my spirituality. But it started to click with the understanding that we are what we consume. Everything you consume from social media to food to other people's energies becomes a part of you. You are what you eat. Literally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Theres no way around that.

I had to change the way I spoke about myself to myself. I had to change the people I was surrounded by. I had to change the food I ate. I had to do a total uprooting of what I was into who I am today. And most importantly I had to forgive myself for my past. I had to not hold it over myself. I still struggle with that part sometimes.

I have to remind myself that every L, every bad relationship, lost friend, hardship, trauma, and so on has made me who I am. It has opened me up to being able to love more deeply and be more present. It has given me my foundation. So while I want to hate it, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I accepted those parts of me. It's peace I didn't know I could have.

I see my 3 real "pillars" to my growth. Theres the food I feed my brain, my body, and my soul. I feed my brain all types of knowledge, honesty and do the self work. I feed my body good food and a strong gym regimen. I feed my soul with intentional meditation and gratitude practice. All of this is by surrounding myself with the right energy.

There is no short cut. Just like when you want to lose weight. You could totally go on a crash diet and do a million hours of cardio but that isn't going to help you hit your longterm goals. There is no crash diet to success or happiness. There is no secret formula.

It's discipline and intention. I have a small list of daily tasks that I do to keep me in check. I write down 10 things I am grateful for, meditate, Wim Hof breathing, do some sort of physical exercise, and I read. Those are my baselines. 30 minutes of my day, everyday, for me. So even on the days the depression or anxiety are kicking my ass, I have given myself the best shot I have to be able to beat it.

This was where my larger decision came from to stop taking medication. I'll dive a lot further into this at another point in time because I know it'll be a long post. But I'm very intentional about what I eat. Food is healing. You wouldn't put McDonald's fryer oil in a Ferrari and expect it to run properly. Our bodies are machines that need to be taken care of and fine tuned. I eat a diet with a lot of real, whole food. It's 60% veggies, 30% protein, 10% healthy fats. It works really really well for me. My mind and body feel clear and focused. I'm able to give the gym and my work my all. I am actually getting ready to start my own garden. I think the quality of food and intention behind it is of the utmost importance. I have fun with my food still. I love to eat. It genuinely brings me joy. I don't do "cheat meals." I eat what I want, when I want. I don't like to restrict myself at all. I don't do well with restrictions, rules, or boxes. You could say I'm life claustrophobic.

But along with the food, fitness has saved my life. Boxing, yoga, lifting, hiking. Any way I can be moving and at one with myself is its own form of meditation for me. Pushing myself in the gym is how I mentally check myself. It's how I know whether I'm giving my day my all. It's been the pillar of what's allowed me to combat my depression and anxiety. I don't know where I'd be without it. It keeps the fire I have for life inside of me.

I truly believe in living a life of purpose. Everything has a rhyme or reason. I need that for myself. I'm very selfish with my time and energy. Every book I read. Every conversation I have. Every meal I eat. Every person in my life. Every thing in my close vicinity is there because it has purpose. I don't like surface level at all. I think it's a waste of time.

So long story short? Call me a romantic, but yes I believe people can change. Because if they couldn't I would feel doomed. The change is ugly and most people may not want to fight to go through it because it's ugly and it's hard. We all have the capability to be better. I have to believe that. It's not the big things, its that 1% everyday that you give or 1 thing everyday that you change that will set you up for healthy habits and the life you want.

I always say...the harder I love my life, the harder it loves me back.