Statues.

Sometimes I just have to sit there and think...Is it ever gonna stop? The tests? The uphill climb with 100 pounds on my back and avalanche continuously pouring down on top of me? Damn, I know I’m relentless but sometimes I think about how good it would feel to just…let go. Stop. Let it take me. Being comfortable with the shit I hate. Wouldn't it just be...easier to give up? Because I think I’ve finally found my footing that things are going to go as I hoped and then here comes something that violently yanks me out of bliss. It’s one twist and turn after another on a never-ending windy road. A right hook you never saw coming. It's the air getting slammed out of your lungs. It's living constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wake up and say hey I’ve got this today! And about 3 hours later I’m a chaotic, sobbing mess...overwhelmed and struggling... But in true Mihika fashion I pick myself back up and I channel it and keep going. I buckle down. I put on that smile. Dance it off. Try to be positive about the situation. Look on the bright side. Reconditioning my mind. I’m really trying here. Truly.

I’m just wondering if its ever going to stop? If I’m ever going to catch a break. It makes me want to scream. But then I feel like I'm just screaming into this void...alone. The days are long, the nights are longer. Everything in between feels like a daze. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane and other times that I'm being swept up away into it. Out of control. To top it off, I'm not the person I was...I'm not going to run away from the feelings anymore. I did that for too long and look where I ended up? Dealing with this mess inside my head trying to face everything I repressed for a decade head on. Dealing with addiction and tearing myself down. I mistreated myself for too long and treated myself to the bottom of a shot glass for even longer. But here I am bulldozing through them now. It's exhausting. And for every time I have that thought of giving up, I find something in myself to keep going. That last little sliver of hope. I dig in and I push.But to be honest? I'm tired. I wonder if I can ever just find a happy medium between the pushing, the tests, and myself.

I said it yesterday, I feel like I’m juggling while simultaneously spinning a plate on my nose and playing soccer while in rollerblades. It's a delicate balance. One that could topple over at any given moment.

I guess the universe is just laughing at me? Like oh shit you thought you could PLAN your life and thats how it would work out? Sorry we have it all figured out for you. Here's like 10x the average amount of tests a person can have. I literally feel like I can never have a normal day or a day without some sort of challenge. It's one thing after the other after the other. It never stops. Sometimes I question if I’m just going to keep getting dragged through the mud for the rest of my life. Am I just going to end up alone? Am I ever going to win? Am I going to just be happy? Because it sure doesn’t feel like it. I just want to be and stay happy. It doesn't feel like a big ask. But I guess its hard when you refuse to settle. I'm just used to getting to a place where I'm happy at work, in a relationship, with myself…then there comes the ever elusive curveball. That GOTCHA! moment. Like oh you thought you were happy? SIKE! I know the tests are a part of life but I wonder if I am gonna come out shiny on the other side? Or am I just going to end up worse than I am grinding against my very core until I wither away into nothing. I question that a lot. Am I going to end up where I want to end up? I'm all for the process. I get the idea of the process, to refine yourself and your abilities. Breaking glass ceilings and that life always has something better waiting on the other side. Don't get me wrong I love the journey but there's always the saying...the straw that broke the camels back... I should've fallen down and given up a long time ago. I've broken every bone I can at this point. And despite everything I've gotten up every single time. I can't help but wonder...is there going to be a final straw?

I don't really know how I'm still going sometimes. But I'm here. I'm pushing forward. I know I can't let myself give up but damn wouldn't it feel nice to for...maybe a second? I can't let myself think like that though. I'm more afraid of the regret that comes along with settling than this process with the "failures." I'm doing everything in my power to stay on the positive side of everything I can. Not letting those intrusive thoughts come up anymore.

Whackamole.

My therapist told me at the root of everything negative is fear. My fear is of ending up alone with that little voice in my head that says I'm not worthy. It terrifies me. But more than that voice? I'm afraid of proving it right. That I'm not worthy of love. That I'm not worthy of being successful. That I'm not worthy of being happy.

It’s all about those moments. I’m not going to give up but its hard to not question if its all going to be worth it in the end. I have to have that faith that the universe has my back.

I'm ripping down these old outdated versions of myself and I'm fighting against my negative core beliefs of myself. I'm putting my foot down. It's easy to feel that way a lot of times...but nothing has ever been easy for me so I don't expect it to start now.

I'm here, showing up everyday for myself. I'm healing. I'm making mistakes. I'm learning. I'm falling. I'm hurting. I'm doing. I'm growing. I'm believing in myself. I'm rolling with the punches. Life is punching me and I'm hitting back at double the speed and the power until I can't punch anymore. Then if I fall? I'm going to get up and keep going. Full burn out.

Whatever you aren't changing? You're choosing it. I've been choosing that voice over myself for too long now. It's a battle to the death now.

I'm reminding myself I earned this. Learning to handle the punches standing up. Unfazed.

I went to the lake near my house this morning. I like to be near water, it calms me. Between all this existential crisis stuff and my jobs its a lot of balance going on here. I meditated, read a book, did some yoga and ran (If you know me thats a big deal I hate to run). I'm reading this book called Atomic Habits right now. It's focused on getting 1% better everyday and how our habits can change us. I'm not far into the book quite yet but one thing I've realized about myself is that I'm very outcome based not identity based. Because while I like who I am now...that was not the case for most of my life. I have all of these very negative self core values. My identity is based in pain. Sometimes we never even realize that our identity is what is sabotaging us from realizing and living our true potential. "It's hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior." Your behaviors are usually a reflection of who you believe that you are. James Clear talks about the idea of small steps having a life time of compounding interest. But at the same time these small "steps" if taken in the wrong direction can have the same effects.

Maybe that's why I've been in crisis mode about "Who is Mihika?" Because I am reformulating my whole identity. I'm changing who I am. I'm changing these inherently negative beliefs that are engrained in me. Saying fuck the noise and trying to whittle my way out of the madness. I'm not wanting anymore, I am. I am letting go. I'm fucking up. I'm dropping the picture perfect exterior. Letting Pandora's box out into the world. Going full ghostbuster with my demons.

I'm a human being. I've made a lot of mistakes. Those mistakes don't define me neither will the ones I know I'm bound to make in the future. But at the end of the day, I am becoming everything I dreamed I would be and more. Shattering the goals ideology I had for myself to hurl myself towards the person I know I can be and the dreams I haven't even dreamt yet. I'm focusing on becoming the best version of myself I can be. Everything else will just fall into place.

All big things come from small beginnings and I'm just learning to be patient with myself through the process. It's an ugly one.

And as far as mindset? It could be the 100th straw that broke the camels back but it can also take 100 blows before stonecutter can make a dent a rock to make a beautiful statue. It's not the last one that did it, but the 99 before. The biggest changes can take the most amount of time to come to fruition.

So I have to ask you? Are you breaking or being molded?

It's all about perspective and mindset, I suppose.

Time will multiply whatever you feed it. So feed yourself wisely.

xo Hika